That’s how it was here a couple of weekends ago.
Somebody decided it would be a good idea to spam bomb the site. Whomever, got through some hole in my security and sent so much crap in my direction that it took the whole thing down.
My cyber security friends tell me this kind of thing is called a “Denial of Service” or a DDOS attack.
Whatever. I just know that it made the site inaccessible, for a while even to me via WordPress, meaning I had to get quite cPanel savvy quite quickly to hold the thing at bay while I got it sorted.
It seemed like the blog was destroyed
I was gutted.
I may not have written here so much of late, but I’ve put a lot of time and effort into the site and it has been kind of like a blogging baby to me.
Still I knew, even as I was putting the technical sandbags down, that something fundamental had to change.
Something was ready to.
Had been kind of ready for a long time, even if the specific hows and whats were not yet clear.
What I can tell you now, but could not have articulated for ages before, is that something has felt off for me here for quite some time.
Or maybe, more accurately, that I was off.
Work can play a magical role in helping people transform
I started this blog full of passion for work, and the pivotal, sometimes magical, role it can play in helping transform people’s lives.
For me, work is one of the things we’re put on this planet to do. It takes different forms for different people, for sure. And these last how many ever years being at work has been synonymous with having a job. Too many of which are soulless. A form of handcuffs. A way to serve our economies and our governments and the big barons that run their very rich and powerful corporations, rather than ourselves.
So, instead of work being a celebration of who we are and what we bring to the world, a vibrant, integral part of our whole lives, work for many has become a drudgery. Something they imagine they have little choice over.
I love helping people come into consciousness
And I love working with people who are waking up to the experience of starting to wonder whether they have more choice than they at first imagined.
Or who simply can no longer define themselves in terms of the job they currently do and are searching for more.
I love helping people untangle themselves from all the ways they’ve unwittingly entrapped themselves.
And sure, entanglement, at face value is about concrete things: the profession we’ve chosen, the company we work for, what our boss thinks of us, the house we’ve mortgaged, the partner we’ve chosen, the private school we’ve sent our kids to.
But it’s more. It’s about our entangled thinking. The meaning we’ve chosen to give to all these things. The importance we’ve put on them in our own mind. The decisions we’ve made inside our own heads about the degree to which these things can or can’t affect us; can or can’t be changed.
I love helping people dive deep within themselves and, using work as the crucible, transform themselves and indeed their lives, step by step, thought by thought, action by action.
No matter whether they end up staying in the corporate world, or diving off and doing their own thing, or what. Because I don’t have an agenda on that. It’s such an individual thing. I think there’s too much emphasis on “quitting your job”, and not enough on letting your soul guide you.
But there’s no standard coaching program for this. At least not one that I have. Because my real gift is in helping people develop a deep awareness of their own process of discovery and change, which I trust will take them places neither they or I could have seen from the outset.
That, when we two work together, there’s something more powerful at play than either of us alone.
So, all my individual work is completely bespoke. Is it scary for me as a coach to venture into a conversation with a client without a script or a bag of tricks? Sure. But it also forces me to dig deep, to be present to the person I’m with, to be creative on their behalf.
Trusting that, together, we get phenomenal results. And we do.
Holding back. Dumbing down
But, here’s the thing. I don’t feel like I ever got that across here.
Not really. Not with quite so much guts as I’ve just written.
I think I’ve feared that my readers would think I was flaky if I wrote too much about the whole emergent process of living more from your soul.
Or if I tried to put into words things that, by their very nature, are intangible.
And, at the end of the day, my first intention from writing this blog was to attract the kind of traffic that would at some point convert into coaching clients.
So, I hired a ton of marketing support.
Much of it I’ve taken on board and used well. Headlines. Spacing. Short sentences.
Other stuff I’ve tried because I was told that, in the traffic game, it would work. List posts. Tangible tactics. Actionable ideas.
Want to list build? Drive traffic? Learn the rules and play the game.
But it wasn’t until I was doing my spam tsunami mop-up operation that I realized how much I resent the shit out of playing the game.
How dull I find it.
How constraining. How two-dimensional.
How reminiscent it all felt of being in one of those corporate jobs I left how many ever years ago. Where my progress was dependent on what my bosses and their bosses thought of me. Where I’d given so much of my sense of well-being over to powers outside of me. Hoping.
Meaning, that I ended up being less and less me, and more and more what I imagined people wanted of me.
I thought I’d shaken all that stuff off years ago.
But, goddamn, it appears that I’ve turned my writing into another version of the same.
I’ve filtered myself here. Dumbed myself down.
And, sure, at a level, you were getting “me”. But sometimes it was a contrived version. It was not as authentic as I’d have liked.
No wonder in thinking about writing here, time after time I’d rail against it, find other things to do.
And “thinking” about writing is pertinent to the point. Because, you want to know a funny thing?
The biggest WTF?! in the whole thing
I looked back over some of my posts here. In particular the ones where people emailed me afterwards and said, “you could have written that for me”. Or, recently, even just commented.
You know what?
These are the posts that weren’t that thought-through at all. They were the ones that occurred to me to write as I sat down. That I had fun with. That took least time. That I felt a little frightened about publishing, because I’d said something a bit out there and risky.
That, bizarrely, felt most “me”.
So, what does all of that mean?
There are changes afoot
So, now that I’ve unleashed myself from my own misunderstanding of how these things work (or at least work for me), I feel much more free to play.
I’ve fannyed around with two blogs over the last couple of year (here and on www.christinelivingston.com). I think having two sites was part and parcel of struggling to be myself. The hackers gave me the clarity to see that I don’t need that struggle any more.
So, at some point in the coming months I’ll merge the two.
I don’t know when, or indeed what the whole thing will look like.
I do know that I’d love you to come with me as I step into a new unknown writing place and dare to share it here.
Meantime, I’d love to know what struck you as you read this?
What “disasters” you’ve had that have given you the positive jolt you’ve hankered for, without knowing it? What you’ve done about them?
Where you struggle to be wholly yourself? What fresh insights my sharing might provoke in you?
Share your thoughts in the comments below!