“The schism, the disconnect, that the traditional model of work represents seems neither physically, emotionally nor spiritually healthy. Also, not sustainable. Behavior has to line up with values.”
Chrysula Winegar, who wrote the above words, has recently been publishing a beautiful series of posts. In them she takes the often glibly used “Work Life Balance” concept, and brings it alive by relating real people’s journeys, warts and all.
This week, she has been sharing Erik Orton’s struggle to reconcile his rich and diverse needs and interests. His capabilities as a business administrator; his artistry as a playwright and producer; his relationship and caring needs as a partner, and as a parent to five children. And how he has, at least for now, found integration, at nights doing a job with an investment bank that pays his way, allowing his days to be focused on both his creativity and on schooling his children.
Erik’s story spoke to me of the work life “schizophrenia” that I, and other people I come across, experience and I wanted to put some thoughts out there to open up the conversation and get your perspective on it.
The thing I particularly wanted to wrestle with is society’s need to put us firmly into one box or another and keep us there. So, we can be, to use Erik’s example, a business executive, OR a playwright, OR a home-loving father. The world as we now know it has little appreciation of the possibility that we can and indeed need to be a variety of things. It is not set up, either in its operating paradigms, or in its attitudes, to deal with our richness. In essence, it doesn’t want our soul at the table.
And I wonder who that picture serves?
I suspect that, because it has been part of my own journey, I attract people to me either as friends or clients for whom this issue is core. To the point that I am now unfazed when I’m sitting in a corporate office and a marketing director confides that he’s also a spiritual healer; or a banker shares her evening and weekend love of all things New Age; or a lawyer admits that he does creative writing on the side. So much so that I began to call them my “healers in suits”. On the one hand I cannot tell you of the honour I feel in having been let in on the picture, and therefore becoming an agent in allowing them to heal the splits in themselves. On the other, however, I feel such sadness that people have to hide parts of themselves in the closet.
In my own case, I’ve been a self-employed coach and consultant for over a decade now. Having been an HR Director, and Managing Consultant for well respected, global firms, I have no problem putting myself across as such. And people have no problem “getting” this about me. Also, I’m warm, friendly and have a pzazz about me that commercial people relate to. Suffice to say, this is the bit of “me” I’ve been most comfortable to project. And, indeed, it paid my way for many years.
What I’m less comfortable about sharing openly is that I’m also a trained psychotherapist. The psychotherapist in me has intuition and depth. I see things other people miss. It’s fair to say that I have struggled for years to reconcile this aspect of me with the one I’ve just described. Like I’d really rather I could just be that person and avoid this other bit.
And it hasn’t all been about my paranoia. Before I launched my blogging career, for example, and was doing more corporate work, I used to have a separate psychotherapy website. That was, until a corporate client, doing due diligence on me, found my alternative persona and then backed out of our contract. They could not understand how I could possibly have the ability to create outcome oriented relationships and be a “shrink”, to use their exact word. I felt such shame at the judgement, even if it was a reflection of the doubts I myself held.
Perhaps more profound and pervasive were the attitudes I lived with from professional colleagues on either side of my divide. I was constantly challenged by either my therapy supervisor for being too “coachy” in my work, moving people forward when I needed to keep them in their pain; and by my coaching and organisational supervisor for confusing therapeutic with coaching interventions. And while my therapy world colleagues gave me grief about “selling out” to the – in their eyes – more lucrative, yet more easily accessed field of coaching, my coaching world colleagues gave me its baggage about therapy being only for those who were suffering some major personality issue.
Just complete professional bollocks.
Luckily three years ago I found a top coaching supervisor, who himself was also a therapist and could supervise all aspects of my work. Finally I could begin to make it okay for myself to get past my own divisions and learn to put Christine out into the world, and let the world struggle with its incomprehension of Christine’s diversity.
I’ve dealt with only two aspects of my life here and haven’t even begun to touch on my love of writing, or my need for family, close friends and relationships, but I think you get the picture.
I won’t pretend I’ve wholly cracked things, but it’s definitely work in progress. What I can tell you is that the person you get here is pretty much the same person you’d meet in the coffee shop, or indeed in a coaching session or workshop. More and more I’m just trying to give the world who and what I am without being dumbed-down by its need to limit me or marginalise me. I wish I could pretend to you that it was easy, but I’d be selling myself and indeed you short.
What I’d love to hear is how all of this sits with you, what struggles you yourself confront, and how you deal with them.
Twitter: KateBacon
says:
Christine, I really value your wilingness to bring all of yourself to your posts. This schzophrenic feeling when you fear bringing all the diverse parts of yourself to the workplace was all too familiar when I was a PA in the corporate world. I never felt I fitted into the role of “secretary”, and have always felt limited by the box the title implied. It is only since leaving the workplace to set up my Virtual Assistance business seven years ago that I have brought all of myself to my work… what a relief! I know that what I offer to clients is much broader than what I was “allowed” to bring to the corporate world. The clients I coach in creating their own VA businesses all seem to have similar expieriences, which is probably why we work together. Authenticity is so important in feeling comfortable in your own skin…in the whole of life. Thanks for sparking the discussion!
Thanks, Kate, I appreciate your feedback.
It’s interesting that you’ve had a similar experience of not really fitting the box of “secretary” – and now that you’ve got your own VA business and supporting people on a much broader front, I can see that there would have been parts of you that almost certainly weren’t getting their needs met. You make a great point about authenticity being so important in feeling comfortable in your own skin… in the whole of life. It can be tough to find your own path, but at least you feel more alive that way!
I found this post incredibly moving Christine. I think it’s a pervasive issue … this seeming need to be one thing or another in life in general. It’s funny how many people get uncomfortable if they are not quite sure where they are with you. I am sure we are all guilty of doing this at times but the more we can let go of labels towards ourselves and others the more we heal ourselves and embrace our wholeness however fragmented and opposing those parts may seem.
There is definately a change in the air in the last few years in terms of people pursuing their creative and spiritual callings and being more open about it. I seem to meet more and more healers in suits (and in casual clothes!
). It’s great to see.
btw – best line ever: “Just complete professional bollocks.” Love it!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Interview with Henri Junttila of The Wake Up Cloud =-.
Thanks for the great comment, Jen. I’m glad you liked that line about professional bollocks. It’s so true though, isn’t it?
Your words here hit so much of the nail on the head for me: “the more we can let go of labels towards ourselves and others the more we heal ourselves and embrace our wholeness however fragmented and opposing those parts may seem.”
It is becoming more acceptable to pursue non-mainstream interests openly. Our own acceptance of our and other people’s diversity is a major enabler in there being more healers in suits (or casual, if you prefer
)
Thanks again!
It’s very true Christine! I love it when people say it like it is!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Interview with Henri Junttila of The Wake Up Cloud =-.
LOL!! I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks that way
Twitter: ali_davies
says:
I can really relate to what you are saying. One of the things I have learnt since leaving the corporate world is that showing up fully as the “real” Ali is more likely to attract the sort of people I want to work with and be around. I would rather walk away from business than have to be something that I am not to get it. My soul ain’t for sale!
.-= Ali Davies´s last blog ..Confessions of a Blogging Virgin! =-.
“My soul ain’t for sale!” – that’s a brilliant perspective, Ali. Really resonates! It takes such courage to believe that we can create our own reality – and, indeed, that we’re worth it. Fabulous!
Twitter: reetaluthra
says:
Hi Christine
Official forms asking for “occupation” are an interesting one – do I put blogger, therapist, coach, consultant, director, programmer, writer, dreamer, administrator… all hats I wear regularly.
On the flip side, there is an importance in maintaining a consistent image to clients who only ever *need* to and *want* to see the side of you that is going to solve their problem. It’s important if two sides of you are potentially going to conflict in someone’s mind.
If someone associates new-age with airy-fairy, they are not going to appreciate that quality in a lawyer they’ve recruited for their sharp, technical, no-nonsense approach.
I think we have opportunities that allow us to explore and excel in lots of different areas and that we’re in the early stages of this being integrated and accepted. I think it will happen – after all, it wasn’t that long ago when people warned you against having too many company names on your CV (resume). Nowadays, it’s weird if you’ve just been with one company all your life.
.-= Reeta Luthra | Stress and Health´s last blog ..Stress and Procrastination: The Path of Least Resistance =-.
Thanks for your terrific comment, Reeta. On official forms these days, depending on how official they are of course, I like to write a few of the ones you’ve listed here and then watch the readers disbelief as their eyes reach that box! “Blogger? You mean your one of these….?” is often the kind of response I get.
I agreed with your perspective about maintaining a consistent image with clients who need and want to see only one side of you, until the episode I had with my prospective corporate client and my therapy website. Part of what I’d heard in his feedback to me was a sense that, by not revealing all of me to him, I’d somehow been untruthful or lacking in integrity. Sure, I don’t advertise all my different parts to people who aren’t looking for me to do so, but by the same token if it’s appropriate, I’ll share something of what makes me “me”. I completely appreciate that my working scenario enables me – possibly even requires me? – to be more “out” about these things than would be safe for many others. Still, it’s a pretty fine line to walk.
We are indeed at the early stages of it being “okay” for individual diversity to be appreciated and embraced. The tide is turning in that direction. But whether we’ll ever have a society that fully gets it, however, I really have my doubts!
Thanks for really contributing to the conversation here!
Hi Christine — thanks for your post. I had a very strong reaction to it, and I’m trying to figure out why. I too am a trained psychotherapist, new to the game after shifting from corporate training in 2006. I love it and it fits my soul, but this week I’m considering accepting an offer to return to the world of instructional design, building online and blended courses for a school of professional psychology. There are lots of reasons why it’s the right thing to do for my family and myself, but I will always think of myself as having a ‘clinical soul’, and I know my clinical background will inform the work I do building courses for students in the field. So… your depiction of that ‘split’ really hits home for me, as I try to make peace with what would be a major change in my professional/emotional life. Thanks for providing perspective.
That being said, don’t the people we serve need clarity in what and how we are trying to support them? I think you’re depicting yourself near the middle of a spectrum between ‘therapist’ and ‘coach’, vs. having to choose between an artificial either/or. Which may allow you to be more true to yourself, but I feel like there truly are different goals in therapy vs. coaching. Or at least the clients are starting from different emotional places, and we do need to establish up front what kind of help or process or focus we are choosing, for their sake. I guess my question is, how does “letting the world struggle with its incomprehension of Christine’s diversity” square with providing a concrete service to a client with particular needs? I know that in general I struggle with “just putting myself out there,” but burdening others with the task of understanding me doesn’t seem to be a good professional decision. Am I missing something?
Mike
Thanks, Mike, for sharing what’s going on for you. I wish you courage to make the right choice for yourself and your family. Sometimes it’s not at all easy to meet all needs all of the time.
Thanks for your feedback in terms of how I depict myself. It’s not my experience that I offer something in the middle, but it’s useful to know that’s how it has come across, at least from this article. My primary offering is coaching; separate to this I have a small therapy practice. Most of my work at present comes from referral. Beyond that, what support I actually offer comes from what the client is seeking, what they need, and what I therefore contract with them to provide. To me the contract is key; beyond that it’s about creating a relationship with someone that enables the contract to be delivered, irrespective of what label the container has. Ultimately, people say they’re working with Christine, not “the coach” or “the therapist”. I think that there’s too much relating to people by their job titles and sometimes my work is about exploring how it is for clients when I behave in ways that were not in their schema for a “whatever”.
So, I don’t believe that I “burden” people with the task of understanding me in quite the way you’ve expressed it here. I try to live and work from as much of an OK-OK position as I can. I spent years hiding parts of myself or segmenting them in the belief that it would enable others to feel OK. In that way, I was really rescuing them and discounting myself in the process. I don’t believe that did them or me much good. What I was trying to express in my article was that, yes, in owning more of my diversity, I may now sometimes make other people feel uncomfortable. Rightly or wrongly, I happen to believe that that is a more honest, loving and potentially healing position.
Twitter: RyanHanzel
says:
Excellent post Christine! I can relate to how you feel and your attitude toward a limit imposing society. I feel that if you want to do something that makes you happy then go for it, as long as it works. A great person once told me that it don’t matter what you do as a leader. It only matters if you are effective in your tasks and responsibilities. That saying is not related to this article but I try to apply it in everything I do. Who cares about what I want to pursue and why would they even share their opinion on it. If it makes me happy and as long as my family has food on their plates/roof over their head I am fulfilling my responsibilities.
My take on it is just to keep at it. If you keep working at it then one day you will be sitting where you want to be if you are not there already.
.-= Ryan hanzel´s last blog ..Break through the exhaustion =-.
Thanks, Ryan, for your terrific comment. The challenge to be oneself and pay the bills is itself a balancing act. But when freedom is a key personal value, as I suspect is true of both you and me, it’s well worth finding a way to do.
Christine,
Wow, really insightful post, and all the comments are awesome. I can certainly relate to the idea that there are different parts of me that I can’t share with everyone, or in all situations. I too have been struggling toward full authenticity, being myself in all situations. I’ve made tremendous progress, and have farther to go. I don’t know that I relate to the feeling of shame, but I suppose in hiding myself from people, and thinking that I’m protecting myself, I must have some fear of being judged. I do tend to care too much what others think of me. Another project I work on continually. Thanks for a post that gives me food for thought.
Linda
.-= Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..Honesty? Honestly! =-.
Thanks, Linda. The comments here and the conversation they’re prompting are indeed awesome!
The point you make about caring what other people think of you is a critical one in all of this. Fear of being judged is a very real fear. My experience is that we are and will be judged for who and what we are. While we’re not wholly being ourselves, we’re probably holding external judgment at bay a little – but the inner critic is having a field day! I read some fabulous words years ago – can’t remember from whom or where now – but they were “what you think of me is your business”. And it’s true. But having the courage to believe it and to make it OK for ourselves is a hallmark challenge on this path.
Glad you took something from the post and take care for now!
hi christine,
how are you?
The world as we now know it has little appreciation of the possibility that we can and indeed need to be a variety of things……(FACT!!!)
I think when relating with people who bring in the element of being a jack of all trades; master of none, it clouds their thinking/judgement.
We need to accept and embrace the fact that, there are many parts that make up who we are. It’s what makes us unique, outstanding & authentic. besides it got us to where we are in the stage of life.
enjoy the rest of the weekend
.-= ayo´s last blog ..Personal Development Roadblocks =-.
Hi, Ayo. I’m good thanks. How’re you doing?
You highlight the “jack of all trades” angle on this. It’s a good one to think about. There are many dilettantes around….
I like your words about accepting the many parts of us: “it’s what makes us unique, outstanding and authentic”. Well said, my man!
Twitter: reetaluthra
says:
Hi Christine & everyone else – I just had another thought – it happens!
The Renaissance era was full of extremely talented individuals with a diversity of skills. Leonardo da Vinci springs to mind – an architect, a painter, mathematician, inventor…
I don’t know if NASA recruits engineers with an art degree… but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did!
I think Ayo has it spot on when he says “we can and indeed need to be a variety of things”
.-= Reeta Luthra | Stress and Health´s last blog ..Stress and Procrastination: The Path of Least Resistance =-.
Hey, Rita, thanks for coming back and sharing your other thought
These are great examples of people whose diversity was not looked on with the same confusion. So, it strikes me that this need to pigeon hole is a more recent thing.
I don’t know of any NASA engineers with arts degrees, but I equally wouldn’t be surprised. I did, however, also think about Robert Burns, the Scottish poet, who earned his money collecting taxes by day, whilst writing and reciting by night!
Twitter: IAC_Heather
says:
Hi Christine,
The first thought that comes to mind is that everything we have learned and experienced has shaped us into the person we are today. And like Ayo says, we need to embrace that.
Ali – I love it! “My soul ain’t for sale!”
.-= Heather Villa´s last blog ..Weekend Reading: My fav’s from this week: 3/26/10 =-.
Beautifully summed up, Heather: “everything we have learned and experienced has shaped us into the person we are today.”
Wow,
What a post… I find the whole not hiring a shrink incident very odd indeed. Perhaps it’s because I know you but I could only see that being a huge advantage in any outcome.
In terms of me, it has really got me thinking and wondering about my next steps. I have learned that cultivating one persona in the corporate world has sometimes got its benefits in that it ‘fits in’ and makes things easier in terms of winning business but also feel at the same time that in some ways I’m selling myself short and don’t particularly like the feeling, it seems that I’m hiding. I have a telephone interview tomorrow and am just doing some prep so it has given me some food for thought on how to present all of me.
In terms of the whole coaching and therapy community, I imagine that there is a lot of animosity, jealousy and complete lack of understanding and a need to put forward credentials in order to justify position and supremacy. It’s a real shame, but I guess that is just par for the course, this might be a sweeping statement but I’m not convinced that Human’s are too welcome to change. Instead of seeing the person they see a need for something else. Of course there are serious issues of professionalism etc that must be upheld but just to get grief from people for having more interests and skills and not being afraid to show them is just dumb along with many other things…
OK so rant over I’m off to think about the impact of this with me.
Enjoy your Sunday Night
Wow, Tim, what a comment – nearly a post in itself!
Your observation that having one persona in the corporate world has benefits of fitting in and winning business. My own view is that the institutionalised world prefers us to be a bit one dimensional. Which, as other commenters have noted, provides a real challenge if you’re awakening to your various other “selves”.
What you say about the coaching and therapy communities is astute. There is some fabulous stuff to learn from both of these bodies that can add richly to one’s work, and indeed to one’s own process and journey. But sometimes, there can be such animosity from one “camp” to the other, which I think is sad.
I’ll be interested to hear how your interview goes tomorrow, and how your ponderings this evening inform how you handle it. In all events, I hope it goes well and that they see as much of Tim as you feel safe to share with them.
I know this Blog was written some time ago but I came across it and it really resonated with me. I have worked in Finance all my working life and have come across huge prejuduce in terms of how I spend my free time. It seems that unless you are talking about eating out, holidays, shopping or golf then you are unfit to work in Finance and are not to be taken seriously … For my part I spend most of my free time with my horse, reading and writing. I have often been asked why don’t I work with horses or as a writer? Surely by that measure, someone who plays golf should be working as a professional golfer or a coach? Of course I don’t fit into the box they wish to squeeze me and that may be uncomfortable for them; I am not, however, going to change just to fit into someone else’s idea of how I should be. I have known and lived by this for some years and the best phrase I ever heard with reference to this type of behaviour was from an employee of Virgin Mobile (before it was engulfed by NTL). The bosses had decided to produce a DVD about the company before it was taken over and interviewed some employees as part of this. Virgin Mobile was an innovative organisation that just loved to develop its people and actively encouraged them to embrace their individuality. Here’s what the guy said, ‘when I come to work in the morning I don’t have to hang my personality up outside the door’. So succint; so, so true. Some years since leaving what was a wonderful company, this phrase continues to pop into my head and I always remind myself when feeling under pressure to conform that never, ever should I ‘hang my personality up outside the door’ ..and neither should anyone else.
What a great example, Stephanie, and thanks so much for leaping on here to share it. Most people so struggle to get their heads round the diversity of folks like yourself who have a variety of interests, some of which don’t fit cultural expectations and who, quite rightly, don’t want to be defined by just one.
Your Virgin Mobile experience sounds great. What a terrific ethos. I reflect that, when I first began my working life in the HR functions of some tough, Scottish manufacturing operations, I heard the opposite said: “People need to leave themselves at home before they come to work. There’s no place for fluffy stuff here.” It didn’t, however, stop the folks saying it from discussing golf and football!!
Whomever you work for now is lucky to have you and to benefit from the whole person that you are. Good on you for really valuing it, even if they find it difficult.