How to make sure you never get ahead

If you’ve been surfing the web you’ll have seen there are a number of blogs and bloggers around that want to make you believe you can be successful on your own terms at work. Here’s how to avoid their pernicious influence:

• Remember what your parents told you about work being a necessary evil. They were right. And life’s about suffering, isn’t it?
• When you share your wildest dreams for a different kind of work with your partner and friends and they say, “You must be kidding”, agree with them.
• Know that it’s nigh-on impossible to change direction once you’re in an established career. Some people have done it, but they’re the exception, and clearly money wasn’t an issue for them.
• Keep applying for more of the same jobs. The next one’s bound to be better.
• Write your CV exactly like the job sites tell you. There’s a formula for what good looks like. Might not be how you’d write it. But remember this isn’t about you.
• Stick to the traditional job search methods. At least you know they work, which is more than can be said for social and other networking. And, for what it’s worth,LinkedIn and BrazenCareerist are completely off the wall fads.
• Learn the rules of interviewing. Particularly the ones about misrepresenting your experience. After all, you do want to make out you’re a good fit, don’t you?
• Figure the work wear uniform for your profession, level and location. You know there is one. Black suit? High heels? Chinos and polo shirts? Get with the programme, buddy!
• Be permanently attached to your BlackBerry, iPhone or laptop. Oh, and that includes when you’re on holiday. Your family will just have to understand. Too bad for them if they don’t.
• Attend every meeting you’re invited to. Even if the subject has nothing to do with you and bores you rigid, you can’t take the risk of not being there.
• Stay in the office longer than you really need to if you want to show your loyalty. It’ll reap benefits come pay review time.
• Engage in heroic activities in the name of work. Walk for miles in transport strikes. Drive your car in the snow and ice when the road authorities advise staying at home. Always remember how indispensable you are.
• Learn the rules of office politics and play them. Game playing at work is just one of those things, and you want to be a winner, yeah?
• Shut up and put up. Learn your place in the hierarchy and defer to those above you. If you see anything unethical going on, turn a blind eye. You don’t want to risk your next bonus.
• If you ever find yourself saying, “there’s got to be more to life,” understand that disillusion is a natural part of adult life. Accept it.
• If the stress of work makes you feel ill, see a doctor. There’s some pretty good medication they can give you these days. Your company might even have an occupational health department that can teach you some ways to cope with your workload better.
• Do whatever training you’re sent on. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s a load of old bollocks. Your company is paying a lot of money for it on your behalf, and you’ll want to make sure to please the trainer so they give HR good feedback about you.
• If something goes wrong, find someone to blame. You played no part in it and if you’re smart, you’ll avoid any shit landing in your direction.
• Oh, and finally, stop reading this blog. And blogs by people who are really kicking the status quo of work in the ass. In particular avoid Chris Guillebeau, Jonathan Fields, and Pam Slim. There’s a lot of insanity out there. You don’t want it to brush off on you!

I know there’s more – what advice would you add to help people ensure they achieve the status quo?

Related posts:

1. Introducing The Manifesto For New Work Pioneers
2. The Silent Rise of the New Work Pioneer