I‘ve read recently that as many as 60% of workers intend to leave their jobs this year. Assuming that there’s some economic upturn to enable it, that’s going to be one heck of a lot of people circling the job market. At least the recruiters will be happy!
It’s no wonder things are this way. In my client work I’m hearing some real horror stories of how people are being managed at the moment. And as you’ll recall from my last post, research is only affirming that people’s satisfaction with work is on the skids.
So I can quite understand why you’re burning the midnight oil blogging, revamping your LinkedIn profile, getting onto Brazen Careerist, getting your CV out there, or all of the above. It’s soul-destroying to feel overworked on the one hand, undervalued on the other. It’d be great to land a brilliant new gig so that you could give the middle finger to the bosses that are treating you so badly.
But is a quick exit the most you-loving strategy?
Pain of any kind is distressing. Our natural reaction is to escape it. If we have a headache we take aspirin; if we burn ourselves, we pull away from the flame. Emotional pain is particularly insidious. We try to fix it as best we can. Sometimes we medicate ourselves with food, alcohol or drugs. Or by taking action that feels like it puts us back in control. If a job consistently makes us feel bad, the default remedy is to quit.
The danger with escaping, however, is that it doesn’t always help you deal with the real cause of your work upset. And you can end up carrying that with you, unconsciously of course, into your next scenario, where the chances are you’ll reinvent it in one way or another.
I’m not suggesting you don’t take yourself off in a new direction if part of you needs to do that. Meantime, there’s an opportunity, should you choose to see it, to dig into what’s behind your current dissatisfaction and give it a chance to resolve itself.
What do I mean?
Well, there are a few things to think about. For a start, as much as we might wish otherwise, we are not innocent victims of the life dramas that befall us. As children, we learn the kind of situations, circumstances, characters and story that are a “fit” for us. We then carry them around through life, like we’re jigsaw puzzle pieces seeking our corresponding parts.
The thing is that what fits us doesn’t always make us feel good. Yes, some bits of what we’ve learned are healthy and positively support us. We repeat these things to our advantage. But some of the things we’ve osmotically absorbed and put our own meaning to have caused us pain in the past. And our recreating these scenarios just causes a recurrence of that. At one level that’s a bummer. Seen positively, it’s our clever psyches seeking resolution. If we’re smart, we’ll understand that and give ourselves the healing we need.
This is true of our whole lives, of course, not just work. But given that work is, for most, a major part of that picture, if something’s going to play out, it’ll play out here.
Am I saying that you’ve got yourself to blame for bad bosses?
There are indisputably some shocking bosses and companies out there. No argument. And as recent online dialogue details, they need to be thinking about their own part in transforming the working experience. (If you’re interested in this line of thought, check out Work. Life. Balance; The Mama Bee; Work+Life Fit and the related conversation threads on these posts.)
What I’m suggesting here, however, is that you ask yourself: how come you’ve ended up in your current scenario? What can you positively learn from it? And how can it inform your next steps?
My own story is a classic example of what I’m talking about. I was a serial job-jumper for a while and, with one or two noteworthy exceptions, always ended up with bullying bosses. Sure, each one was different, but they would all sooner or later start demonstrating one form of intimidating behaviour or another. Working, finally, for the woman I nicknamed The Poisoned Dwarf brought things to a head. Here was someone who was a tyrant in her general approach; whose expectations and standards were ever-changing and crazy-making. Her support or dismissal of me was completely unpredictable. She was so toxic that she drove me to the verge of a nervous breakdown.
In an attempt to rescue my sanity, I found a good psychologist with whom to do some work. In the process, I discovered that, yes, my boss was a nightmare, but I was prone to being shaken by her because bullying had been a fundamental feature of my childhood. My father had been the big cheese in our family, needing to be the centre of attention, and being both charming and punishing in equal but unpredictable measure. He needed me to be his version of perfection to support his fragile ego. When I was fitting his picture, he exalted me. When, in the course of being myself, I stepped outside of his narrow strictures, he turned his wrath on me.
Knowing that I was not only dealing with The Poisoned Dwarf, but also with the emotional ghosts of my father’s behaviour, really helped me. I could slough off the unhelpful childhood stuff I’d been unwittingly carrying around with me, and confront my boss as an adult, knowing that she could never damage me the way my father had.
- I learned to challenge her irrational assertions about me,
- I stopped needing her to tell me I was okay in order for me to feel okay about myself,
- I became able to say “no” to her unreasonable demands of me, and
- I could turn a blind eye to her sulks, door slamming, head-shaking and other emotion-provoking behaviour.
Before doing my inner work, I was ready to take the next good job that came along in order to give myself the temporary feeling of being in charge. Calming the angst, however, took the pressure off things and opened me up to new and different possibilities. I started to be able to hear what my heart was saying and trusted that I could follow it. The tough, bullied me would never have thought that an HR person at the top of her game could reasonably quit corporate life, study psychotherapy and coaching, and turn the skills from all these arenas into something to give back to people having similar experiences as I used to. The more resourceful me, however, took the risk of beginning the journey.
I’ll leave you with some words I’ve read before, but had forgotten until a friend reminded me of them just the other day:
“The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. This field can orchestrate an infinity of space-time events to bring about the outcome intended. But when our intention gets locked into a rigid mindset, we lose the fluidity, flexibility and creativity inherent in the field. Attachment to a specific outcome freezes our desire into a rigid framework and this interferes with the whole process of creation….”
Deepak Chopra: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
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This post articulates so many thoughts I have had about work. Very wise words you speak about looking for our part in situations too. As you said, its not about blaming ourselves but empowering ourselves to see what baggage we are bringing to situations. I have had a fair few jobs (mainly because I like change) but came up against exactly this situation at a time when there was no suitable jobs to move to. I stuck it out and I did learn a lot by doing that. I don’t understand why bosses are behaving so badly at this time, it is a shame but people vote with their feet and rightly so, once the market picks up, these companies behaviour will come back to bite them.
Thanks again – brilliantly said and also thank you for sharing your experiences too.
Thanks to you for sharing too! I’m glad that your own experience of sticking things out worked for you and that you learned useful stuff from it. I know you moved jobs recently, and doing that as well as running your fabulous blog seems to be giving you a good blend – at least for now.
Yeah, I don’t really understand either why bosses behaviour seems to be so awful at this time. A pet theory is that the whole work “thing” needs a bit of a revamp and people, including bosses, are suffering in the middle. But I have nothing that substantiates that. And, you’re right, people will vote with their feet. I do wonder if that of itself might prompt some change.
I’m pretty sure you would have the same results each year. The thing is that we always have good intentions but rarely we take action. Also I don’t think it would be a good idea to leave a job with this economy without a solid plan.
Interesting comment, and thanks for it, Oscar
You’re right, of course, that intention and action are not the same thing. Still, action or inaction, people are making a choice, and how they feel affects them whether they decide to do anything about it or not. It’s going to be interesting to see it all plays out.
Twitter: KateBacon
Thanks for sharing your own experience it brought your whole post to life. It’s not always easy to see what part we play in a situation, but when we do then we can make real change in our lives. Thanks again!
Well said, Kate! And thank you for dropping by. Glad you got something from the post!
hi christine,
funny you should post this, a few days ago, i read an article on the bbc website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8456833.stm which highlights managers changing their management style and behaviour based on feed back from staff……..
this post highlights and explains what goes on in the minds or hearts of most employees.
I like the approach of looking inwards, learning from your current circumstances and utilizing the skills,information, experience gathered for the next phase of ones’ life.
Lets face it,there would always be difficult bosses, but standing your ground(with a bit of common sense), being assertive and good at what you do with a bit of confidence should give you an edge .
Thanks, for your thoughtful comment, Ayo.
I hadn’t seen the BBC article and thanks so much for posting the link. Isn’t it fabulous to think that when we take responsibility for our own behaviour, it might have a positive impact on others?!
And your summary is spot on: “there would always be difficult bosses, but standing your ground(with a bit of common sense), being assertive and good at what you do with a bit of confidence should give you an edge”.
Twitter: bobbessette
Hi Christine,
Wow, you certainly say a lot in this post! The more I read about how people are unhappy in their job situation, the happier I am in mine. I am fortunate in that my company grew last year to its biggest year ever. The rate of growth was slower than previous years but we still were profitable. That doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone is happy there but the ones that will get bonuses certainly are.
I remember only having one boss that I felt was like a tyrant. Luckily I never had to kowtow to him as he ended up leaving the job fairly quickly. These days my bosses tend to all be younger than me. I always will challenge anyone who disrespects me, even in the workplace. Maybe that comes with being at a certain occupation for a lengthy time, as is my current job situation. There are times when my current boss will slip into that mode and I just won’t take it. I will challenge him when I start to see that creep in. The Poisoned Dwarf sounds like a real loon. I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation.
That was an interesting article about people being dissatisfied with their jobs. The furloughs and pay cuts companies have forced onto their employees may come back to bite them.
Best,
Bob
I like your attitude, Bob! Even if confidence does come with having been in your occupation for a certain amount of time, there’s something to learn from you about being comfortable in your own skin and challenging people who disrespect you. You’ve got that ok-ness that I didn’t have when I was confronted with the loon, and had to learn. She was crazy, but she served me well in that respect!!
As ever I’m glad that you’re happy in your job. It sounds wonderful. I wish there were more companies like yours and I hope they ride out the economic downturn in good shape. As you say, however, about the employers who’ve not treated their people well in this crisis, it may come back to bite them. I then wonder whether that will prompt some change?
Twitter: mandylehto
Having left the rat-race myself, this blog-post resonates with me – I think we’ve all had a ‘Poisoned Dwarf’ somewhere down the line! And yes, we can draw a lot from them, big-picture. Your larger message (to slow down and take time to ponder change) makes very good sense indeed. When we’re truly mindful of what is happening around us – not just responding to toxicity – we can develop a healthy relationship to our surroundings, work-wise and otherwise. We can learn to adjust and better engage with those toxic co-worker relationships. When we step out of this white noise zone, we can concentrate instead on making positive, nurturing choices for ourselves – including whether to stay or go. The quick exit isn’t always the best solution; at least not till you’ve really thought it through. Bravo – another great piece!
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mandy! Thanks for sharing your experience.
I think this comes down to a few things for me.
1) There’s the idea of what you’re focussing on with bosses or jobs that you don’t enjoy. Choosing to focus on the drama rather than the direction needed to move forward is a constant source of negative feeling – I’ve been here and I know what it’s like. By focusing on how to move forward and solve the problem or do damage limitations you can often find a lot of the dramas you once had fall away.
2) Second is that feeling of certainty. As human beings we crave certainty whether its good or bad for us. It’s why when things are going badly in life we fall back on things like food, drugs and alcohol because they make us feel certain about ourselves. If we can develop positive certainty about our job we can foster a much more positive mindset.
A very thoughtful post Christine. Thank you
Very thoughtful comment Ben, and I like your self-summary. You identify in it not only a couple of pitfalls, but also how they can be avoided. I admire your positive, self-supporting attitude!